Facebook status:  Damn.  Yep, that probably sums it up.  There was a stamp from the US embassy missing on one piece of paperwork.  AAI went to get it stamped yesterday (it was signed but not stamped), they sent her away because it wasn't a Monday or Wednesday........  Yeah.  So, now we wait to hear more on Monday - like when's the new court date.

So, sorry, but you will have to wait a bit longer for pictures of B and T.

EXCITING!!

GUESS WHAT?!?!?  My parent's court date is.......... FRIDAY!!!  That's right, just two days from now.  Please, please pray that they will pass court on the first try (and that being related to me has not jinxed them!).  I would love to post pictures of my incredibly handsome brothers this week.

 

Winter

Yesterday we watched the "Fire on Ice" races.  They are sailboat thingys (technical term) that sail on ice instead of water.  It was part of the Winter Carnival.  Here is what I discovered was reminded about myself:  I am not made of hearty Minnesotan stock, I am more of the whiney, wimpy variety.  It was cold, bleeping cold.  Teshe couldn't have cared less, but Samry is definitely more like her mommy!!!

So, we didn't make it through many races, but the kids had fun just running around on the frozen lake.

the "frostbite fingers kite flying"

A few updates

First, the REALLY good news, my parents case was submitted to court on December 30th!!!!  Hopefully we will be hearing about the court date really soon.  Now my mother understands why I was a crazy person for the last 2 years!!

So, tomorrow will be our first therapy appointment with Samry - I went by myself the first time.  I think this is going to be a really great thing for both of us.  I've talked with her about it a bit.  I've told her we are going to see a helper who will help us learn how to be a better family.  She seems excited, although I'm sure she is rather confused.

The therapist had some good insight into my own feelings and frustrations.  She talked a lot about the difference between my emotional self and my intellectual self.  Intellectually, I know how I should be feeling, but emotionally I am not there.  As much as I want to "control" how I feel, I can't.  One of the biggest reasons she thinks I am struggling is this:  Emotionally, I see Samry as a threat to the family I have worked so hard to build.  I have poured myself into adopting and parenting Teshe and then Samry.  Because of Samry's behaviors and attachment issues, she could damage what I've worked so hard to build.  I think she's right.

The good news, I don't have to be stuck here forever.  Every week, I have homework to help to slowly adjust and work through my feelings.  For example, every night I write in a journal about the good things Samry did that day.  Sometimes it's hard to find something, but every day I need to find one thing - even if it's something superficial.  It's been fun to watch the list grow and look back over some of the positive things with Samry.

It isn't that therapy is rocket science, but to have a person who's job it is to help people like me and Samry gives me a lot of hope.  She has so many more tools than I have on my own.  Interestingly since I've started, Samry has had some of her best days and her worst days since she has been home.    

 

 

Two of my favorite Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. quotes

"Throw us in jail and we will still love you. Bomb our houses and threaten our children and we will still love you. Beat us and leave us half dead and we will still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process and our victory will be a double victory"


"We are called to play the Good Samaritan on life's roadside...but one day we must come to see that the whole Jericho road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that a system that produces beggars needs to be repaved. We are called to be the Good Samaritan, but after you lift so many people out of the ditch you start to ask, maybe the whole road to Jericho needs to be repaved."

Update on how things are going

Samry has been home almost 4 months.  This week Samry and I start attachment therapy.  For the first session I will go alone to discuss all of Samry's history - the little that we know, and talk about my own struggles attaching to her.  The therapist will be using a lot of Theraplay techniques and I am really optimistic about the results.

The holidays were hard.  We tried to be careful, not packing too much in, but there were lots of meltdowns and days where she just checked out completely.  It was a combination of lots going on, being out of her usual routine and way too many presents.  There are definitely things I would do differently in hind-sight.  The biggest would be to limit the number of gifts both Samry and Teshe get at any event.  It's just too much for either of them to handle.  There was some regression and I don't think we're back to where we were prior to Christmas yet.

For me, the behaviors stink, but they aren't the hardest thing.  What I struggle with the most is my own lack of attachment to Samry.  I can handle the behaviors, I don't like them, but they are exactly what we signed up for.  There are books and books on how to get your child to attach to you.  There are seminars and workshops, therapy and support groups, but I have yet to find a good resource on helping me attach to Samry.  It sort of feels like the dirty little secret in adoption.

We all know our kids can and will struggle to bond with us, connect to us.  But what about when we struggle to connect with them?  When I set up the appointment with the therapist, she asked what was generally going on.  When I told her how I was really struggling, the first thing she said was, "well yes, that is TOTALLY NORMAL."  Being stuck in my own head all the time I can start to wonder what is wrong with me - why am I struggling so much?  Why is this so much harder than with Teshe?  What kind of mother am I that I don't have warm fuzzys about my own child?  I'm the adult, why can't I just "suck it up"?  It helps to hear "this is normal".  Even so, I hope Friday marks the beginning of a better chapter with Samry.

A Year in Pictures

January

Samry received her family bag

Crazy frogman...

February

It's official!!  We're a family - like we needed the paper to prove it.

A picture from a traveling family

March

Getting a little stir crazy inside!!

April

My joy

Worker-guys doin' worker-guy stuff

Another picture from a visiting family

May

Meeting Samry for the first time

June

Travel buddies

July

Summer fun at the cabin

Teshe learns to ride a bike without training wheels.  Big time.

August

Reading is a bit tough when the book is upside down, but you can't miss that enthusiasm.

This has Uncle Johnny written all over it.

Teshe's first annual camping trip with Daddy and Grandpa

September

Teshe-man's first day of school.

Waiting for me

All together at last.

October

Samry's first day of school (she wanted to wear ALL pink).

Our new house...just a month and half left....

November

Up at the North Shore

Good thing Grandpa has strong knees!!

December

Our weekend away.

Merry Christmas.

Tough guy

Teshe sporting my brother's old Halloween costume....can you guess what he was???

PS - It should be noted that he needed NO prompting to come up with these poses.

A Home for the Holidays

Tonight is A Home for the Holidays special.  It's on at 7:00 (CST) on CBS.  It's about families built through foster care adoption.

Here is more info.

PICTURES!!

Here are the pictures of our weekend downtown.  It was a fantastic time and something we hope to make an annual tradition.

At the ice skating rink.  It's unlikely either of my kiddos will have a future career in skating, but they sure had a lot of fun!

  

At the waterpark at the hotel.  The kids LOVED it.  They went swimming 3 times in less than 24 hours!

Teamwork

We also went bowling and played some video games at Gameworks.  Samry had a better bowling score than I did....

Help for the Holidays

This blog had a great link I wanted to share (actually the whole blog is full of wonderful ideas).  For those of you in adoption world, you are probably familiar with Deborah Gray's books.  Truly they are some of the best literature out there on parenting children from adoption, foster care or a background of trauma.  She put out an article to help our kids during the holiday season.  I wish I had read it before Thanksgiving!

Help for the Holidays 

The top three things I am taking away from this article are:

1.  Anxious children like (I would say need) to know what their part is in any new event.  Both Samry and Teshe like to know what will happen - before it happens.  I try to walk them through the event and my expectations for their behavior.

2.  Look at the calendar as a whole - block out times and days at home for re-regulating the family. This one is a biggie.  We won't be going to every extended family Christmas this year - not because I'm a scrooge, but because it's simply too much for Samry right now.  We are also taking the weekend after New Years to focus on helping her re-regulate and re-group before school starts.

3.  Children need consistency.  Even one day off from school seems to throw Samry's whole week out of whack.  This is going to be somewhat unavoidable, but she will be going to her after school program a few days during the break to keep it a part of her routine as much as possible.

  

This weekend was great.  We packed a lot of stuff into the last 72 hours, but were careful to go with the flow when needed and planned an extra long nap for Samry this afternoon.  We sort of planned for difficult behavior today (coming off of the exciting and busy weekend) which was very smart.  I'll post pics tomorrow.

      

Making Memories

One of the things that is tough about adopting older kids is the lack of shared experiences and memories.  These things help create the foundation of most birth child relationships.  It has become very obvious that Samry craves these memories and doesn't like stories about something that happened before she came home.  I think it's a good sign that she wants to identify with us.  Right now she wants to imagine life started when she met us.  I know she won't always be able to do that, eventually we will need to help her deal with everything that happened in her first seven years.  But, right now it's about building a strong foundation.  

So, we try to be intentional in making up for lost memories and lost time.  Last week Samry and Matthew had their first father-daughter date.  They went to see Cinderella at the Children's Theater (remember she wanted us to rename her Cinderella when she first came home).  I have heard about it every day since - sometimes more than once a day! Yes, that does get a bit annoying, but for her it's one of very few precious memories.

For Christmas we wanted to make sure we focused more on creating memories than buying toys.  Of course the kids are getting a few Christmas presents, but this weekend is their big gift.  We are going to stay at a hotel downtown with a water park and ice skating rink.  It will be an opportunity to create more precious memories for both our kiddos.

And that is an up side of adopting an older child.  It forces you to be intentional about life, about parenting.  You are aware of what you missed and realize that you need to make the most of the childhood they have left.          

Another memory - touching manta rays and the zoo.

Fistula

Here is a link to the hospital in Addis.  If you are in Ethiopia, they do have visiting hours on Saturdays and Tuesdays where you can purchase items the women have made. 

A few family photos

Next year there will be 5 of us kids!!

Look!  Both kids cooperated with the photos.  It's kind of a big deal!!

My whole family (minus my two new brothers still in ET)

Translation

This evening I was laying with Teshe on the couch.  Samry came over and gave me a kiss.  After she walked away, Teshe reached up and "wiped" it off my face.  I wonder what that means?????