Camp

Samry had her hair braided and beaded for camp (we had it done at the salon).

Before Matthew and I got away, Samry had her first camp experience. She went to an overnight camp for children effected by HIV. That could mean they have HIV or someone they love has HIV.

Initially when we signed her up it was mostly because I wanted to have planned breaks in our summer - both for her and for me. As the date got closer I started to worry the separation was going to be too long and questioned all the possible fallout that could happen. I questioned if she was too young, too unattached, too whatever.

But I kept reminding myself how important breaks can be and not just for me. Allowing her that week at camp can give her a break from the pressure of being the attachment-challenged kid. I don't mean that we call her that, of course not, but she is painfully aware that functioning in our family is much more difficult than it is for her brothers.

So, with a suitcase full of hidden encouragement notes, a letter already in the mail for her to receive at camp and another just waiting for the strategic day to mail, she and I headed off. It was about a 2 hour drive from our house (most kids fly in from all over the country, we are so fortunate to be near the camp).

I was prepared for her to run out of the car when we arrived and never look back. I was prepared for her to be nervous and scared. I was prepared for me to be excited for a week's break. I wasn't prepared for what happened.

We arrived and every camp counselor came running over to the car to sing her the welcome song, so far, so good. Then we checked her in and she started to act a little nervous, so I stayed with her for a bit while she started some arts and crafts with a few other girls. Then came time for me to leave and something crazy happened.

I didn't want to leave her. She suddenly looked so small and helpless. For the first time in a very long time she looked like a little child who was afraid to leave her mom and aside from knowing I was her mom, I felt like her mom. Huge. Enormous.

She has been home for about 22 months and while I know I am her mom, I rarely feel like her mom. There was no mistake, as I pulled out of the camp I had to fight every bone in my body that wanted me to turn the car back around and bring her back home with me.

The week went well for both of us. It was nice to spend some quality time with my boys and have a little less drama around! Samry had a wonderful time at camp, she made friends easily for the first time since coming home and already has big plans for what she will do at next year's camp. She was also the only kid at camp who received letters from home which made her feel really special (she said her friends wished I was their mom - HUGE for an attachment-challenged child to hear!).

At the end of the week as I pulled into camp she was waiting for me outside the lodge. She ran over to me, gave me a big, long hug and announced she had a great time but missed ME and was ready to come home. Ditto.