Long ago, before Teshe came home I learned about the "family bed". It is basically co-sleeping with your child, usually in your bed, for bonding. I was a big fan. big. fan. So, we did exactly that with Teshe and he slept smack dab in the middle of my and Matthew's bed for the first year he was home.
Full disclosure: Matthew was over the family bed in about a week, I was over it about 4 months later but Teshe would still sleep in our bed - if we'd let him! (We do still let him on occasion)
I know it isn't always convenient, or enjoyable and there are certainly different strokes for different folks, but when I am asked what helped the most with Teshe's transition and attachment, there is little doubt in my mind that the "family bed" was the most effective thing. Looking back I would never had done it any differently.
While I know co-sleeping significantly helped Teshe attach, I also believe it helped us bond with him. He was still quite little when he came home, but he wasn't a baby. Some of the ways that you can bond with a baby were harder to do with him. I think the family bed helped make up for that. It allowed us lots of opportunities to snuggle, to watch him sleep and spend large periods of time near each other.
Fast forward to Samry coming home. First, I was terribly ill with E.coli poisoning (or hell on earth as I call it), so for the first 2 weeks there was no one sleeping in our bed but me and Matthew. Then we moved into temporary housing while our new home was being built (yep, super stressful timing). After the move things were already in a really bad place with Samry and there was no way she could handle the intimacy necessary for co-sleeping. Plus, I was already struggling significantly with my own rejections of her and it was too intimate for me as well.
By the time we tried co-sleeping with Samry she had been home a few months. It went terribly. She thrashes in her sleep. real bad. Now it is one thing for a 3 year old to thrash a bit, but a long 6 year old has got some reach on her. So we shelved the family bed. I regret that. To this day I wish I had tried other ways of co-sleeping with her. But I was angry, I was scared, I wanted to get away from her, not snuggle in a bed with her. I still think it could be good for her if I would just lay with her until she falls asleep, but even that level of intimacy is struggle for her. What do you think? Two years later is it too late to try?
Anyways, fast forward to Jo-Jo Bear. He slept in a crib in our room as I needed to hear him breathing constantly or I would panic (yep, I'm super rational, why do you ask?). He was so little and breakable, I was afraid to have him in our bed in the beginning. Unlike Teshe or Samry he was a baby, in fact he was still getting a late night feeding, so there were lots of snuggles and holding times throughout his day. This winter we transitioned him to his room - across the hall and we were still doing a nighttime feeding. Not because he needed it, but because I couldn't let him cry.
So, about a month ago we ended up with him in our bed overnight - he was up really late with us (he is a HUGE night owl) and we just brought him in with us. Guess what??? That middle spot Teshe loves?? Yep, so does Joshua. He has now claimed the spot as his and has little interest in sleeping anywhere else.
Family Bed - round two, here we come. Any wagers on how long this one will last????
10 comments:
We are huge fans of the "family bed" and all of its variations too. There are tons of criticisms out there about co-sleeping and I say pthhhftt to that. :) I agree with you that it's not for everyone but it was extremely valuable for our family too.
Would Samry want to have an occasional sleep over on a cot in your room or you in her room? I wonder if that might help with bonding. I like to believe that it's never too late.
Much love to all of you!
We have never consciously done the family bed...but it has been a big part of raising all of our kids here and there. Especially as infant breastfeeding....but with Tessa, (8 months when she came home) she seemed so comfortable in her crib and selfishly I didn't want to mess up the sleep training she had acquired. I do wonder if the family bed would have sped up the bonding process, but for us we rocked every night. I almost had to force her to let me soothe her and fall asleep in my arms. She had never done it before and was so independent. I think the rocking made a huge difference for us. I do love what you are sharing here and am sure you will always be grateful you had a family bed, even if you may end up with a foot in the face once in a while!
When my daughter came home at 4 months old, she had been in 6 foster homes and she slept with us. It took hours to put her to sleep walking her in a back pack. If you put her in a crib she would scream FOREVER literally. I loved the bonding and security of the family bed...well, and I'm overprotective too.
After my divorce when she was a toddler (not related to family bed or adoption!), she slept with me until she was 12! I think that's common for single moms.
I think my boys could have benefited from this, but as a single mom of a 7 and 9 year old boys, it's a different situation.
When our oldest came home we were in the middle of a major move too. I decided to put her next to my bed. We removed the bed frames and just put the mattresses on the floor. Noah joined us too. Brian was in and out of town for those first few months home so it was mostly just me and the two older kids. Then about 6 months into I needed to be in my own bed. I set up a cheep bunk in my room and the two older slept there for another 4 months. When Alana was ready she moved into her own room at about 12 months home. I think she could still be in our room but I need some space now. I think two years into the burn is not too late. In the bed might be too much be being together might be a good thing right??
I've just recently thought of the kids sleeping on the floor in our room. Not every night, that won't work for us very well, but if they need to.
Hi, I am actually waiting for our referal from Ethiopia. Therefore, I read your post with interest... I was thinking that co-sleeping with a open, arm-reach bed beside/connected to the parent bed could be a good option for bonding and privacy at the same time?? Any advise welcome !!
Our daughter was 9 months old when she came home and I put her in a crib in her own room, because I just didn't know...now she is 4 and she has been sleeping in our room for over 6 months. She had started waking with aweful dreams, and would come in our room in the middle of the night. Somehow she ended up just starting there too and it has been the best thing for her. She used to talk in her sleep (like scared talk or angry), and was ALL over the bed. She now sleeps w/out talking and waking up and hardly moves around in the bed anymore. I know it is because she feels secure and needed that from us; wish we would have done it sooner, but it has been really good for her. Our son was 4 months old when he came home and I had him in a small crib right by our bed for about 2 months and he is a great sleeper now. I check in on you guys often and am praying.
I so needed this! We just came home with our 4 & 7 year old from Ethiopia...it has been hard (ok, thats the underdstatement of the year;) and they both want to sleep with us (which I am stoked about but I am tired)...I needed this encouragement to keep on with it...to make it work! and the blessing we've seen in the past couple days...amazing! So thanks!!
You know, I think any time I end up sharing a bed with my kid/s, it's a good thing. My daughter and I spent a week with extended family this summer, after the first night, we shared a bed. This is an 11 yr old who's been in our family since 2009. Our son is 13, growing incredibly, but he climbed in bed with us regularly until he was nearly 12. Now he seems huge...it's that adolescent growth thing, but heck, if he wants to read in bed or lie around with us, fine. I think there's some intermediate step where you're flexible about sleeping arrangements. there are times when it's hot or cold and we all are in the same room, either living room in sleeping bags by the stove, or in our only air conditioned room in the summer. So, if you have chances to sleep with Samry, take them! Sometimes beti and I have "sleepovers where we share a bed for the night. So confusing...the textbook advice, what each indiv in the family needs, and what to do to cope...
Margaret
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