It's been a while, usually that is just because I am super busy, or super lazy. But, this time is different. I have been struggling with why I write this blog. Allow me to explain. This blog started out as a way for family, friends and other adoptive families to be a part of our journey to Teshe. Since then it has evolved into much more - the addition of two more children, two new brothers, attachment challenges, HIV, and the occasional soapbox rant from yours truly. In the future my family will experience more additions and until recently I assumed the blog would continue to evolve to include them.
But awhile ago I read this on the "big Ethiopia list"
"The thing we must remember is that our children came to us through tragedy. Our child's family is dead, dying, sick or so impoverished they are unable to care for their child. A first mom somewhere is suffering and heart-broken -- even if she willingly relinquished her child. Our adopted children live with the knowledge that they were placed with us as a result of their parent/s' suffering. At best our children will deal with trust issues, guilt and identity issues, and at worst they will live with an unseen wound that never heals. Is this really fodder for a blog? If your child was biological, would you be blogging? Would you be blogging about the same things? Are you using your blog as a vehicle to show what a good person or good parent you are? To gain admiration from other adoptive parents?"
It has caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate. Why am I doing this blog? Shortly after Samry came home I would have said it was to try to be a "real" voice for families struggling with attachment, but in doing so was I sharing too much of her inner angst that wasn't mine to share? I try to be careful when sharing my children's struggles. I try to keep the details of behaviors or the really "ugly" pieces private, because I think that is important. I also tried to be honest about my own struggles to attach. This is something I feel is sorely lacking in the adoption world and parents and children suffer because of it. I didn't want to contribute to the false idea that attachment challenges come from the children alone.
We decided to be open about our children's HIV status in large part because hiding it would require lying and we believe foster feelings of shame. I do not want my children to feel shameful nor do I want them to see HIV as something to hide. But, this is a public blog. It has always been public, I've never even attempted to monitor any comments. I also use my children's real names and if you read enough posts you can probably figure out at least the state, if not the town we live in. What if as my kids get older there are things shared on here they want kept private?
I support adopting children with HIV, but I am worried it has become a badge people wear in an attempt to prove how benevolent or progressive or compassionate they are. I want nothing to do with that. So, how does blogging about it look different? I mean, isn't it just a form of "look at me, look at what I did"?
And then, the writer's last two sentences. I'd like to think I share my failures as quickly as my successes. I would like to believe I do not create a phony looking family where everything is perfect or write the character of myself as some mom heroine. That isn't to say I don't recognize how fantastic my kids, husband and life is. I LOVE my life, but it isn't a neat, self-contained little package. I yell at my kids, I get mad at Matthew, Matthew gets mad at me, he yells at the kids, they yell at each other. Sometimes, not because my kids are behaving so badly but just because I am crabby, I take parenting short-cuts, ones that would raise the eyebrows of any attachment therapist. But, the perk of being your own editor is those days don't necessarily make it onto the blog.
Don't get me wrong, I love my blog. I find the writing cathartic and stress-relieving. Some of my greatest support with Samry has come from comments left here. I also believe I can be a support for other parents walking similar journeys. Plus, I'm planning on turning it into a scrapbook/journal of sorts for my kids.
So, why do you blog? Have you struggled with any of these questions? I realize there are no right or wrong answers here, but I want to have confidence that I am making a good choice for my family.
12 comments:
I get this. I totally do. And I've considered this a number of time- and expect I'll continue to. But I think each of us has our needs and purposes. For me- it is simply cathartic. It is in some way just a journal for me, a means of processing through many of my challenges, hopes and seasons. as a single parent, it has brought me to a place of supportive mothers- a place I never expected I needed- but ooooh do I. So yes, because there are a few others that have invested some time into our family I also post some photos of our family. BUt- again--- When I write a post- i generally ask why? WHen I don't write for a while and somehow feel like i "should" I have to remind myself that this is not a monetized blog. It is not my job. I do not OWE it to anyone but he and I. Yes. I share. I over share. But- that is me in person too. I totally get why people stop blogging too. TOTALLY. In fact when a very very active and popular blogger quit recently I said "Good for you!" I don't really care if anyone reads it- but I'm glad those that do - do- because they've become supportive and critical to some of my decision making as a mom and homemaker. Thanks for the reminder. I'll contine to re evaluate as I go.
I struggle all the time with these same feelings. Just when I think I'm going off-line, I'll receive an e-mail that something I wrote touched someone or inspired someone to adopt or foster. It's so hard to decide. I'm definitely moving to a more photos of the family and stories without personal content that I am passionate about. I also struggle with the patting-myself-on-the-back feelings because I only want to give credit to God alone. I also see many people adopting, not only children with HIV, but all children and then getting home and writing these horrible blog posts about how terrible their children are. Not how difficult it is but just a long list of complaints about their new child. Oh, that tears at my heart! And I'm not talking about years down the road, I'm talking about writing these things after being home a couple weeks! Heartbreaking! Anyway, I love the content of this post. Thanks for sharing.
While I can absolutely see the point of being careful with our childrens stories, I am grateful that you blog. Most of the adoption blogs I read are sunshine and lollipops all of the time, which sets up a very unrealistic expectation for those of us still in the process of bringing our children home.
I am truly, truly grateful for blogs like yours that are honest, even when it is painful. I want to know that when the crazy hard stuff comes along that I am not the only one experiencing it.
So thank you, thank you for being honest and real. Thank you for telling it how it is, even when it is uncomfortable and hard.
I think a lot about this too. I think ultimately the online/ blogging community that we've built is our support network. As much as family and friends who haven't adopted love me and my children, they don't know. I would be adrift as a parent without you and everyone else. Yes, part of that is selfish, and part of it is how I can somehow manage to zip my little family together so that our love is strong and my kids can face their trauma and fears.
The other day my dad said to me 'If I knew back then (meaning when my parents were divorcing and battling over custody) what you know now, I would have done things completely differently.'
Most people in our lives don't "get" the whole adoption thing. And like another commenter said many blogs are just sunshine and puppies. Reading your posts and seeing your struggles has helped us prepare for the future. When our little guy gets home and maybe it's not all warm fuzzies. I will remember that, that's okay. that it gets better, and other families are there too. Blessings to your family!
Interesting! I am a perspective adoptive parent and I have a private blog. I started my blog as a way to connect with other families, which I love. But, more and more, I find it an extremely helpful way to "process the process". I am single and don't have someone to talk through every detail with - blogging helps me "get it all out" and makes me feel like someone is listening.
I have also learned so much from the blogs of others - they have helped me to formulate my thoughts about my adoption choices and, I think, are helping me to be better prepared for the future. I don't mind "rainbow and puppy-dog" blogs. We all present different faces to the world and blogging is just one aspect of that. But, I must say, the blogs I appreciate most walk a fine line between vulnerability and privacy. It's tricky.
I read a lot of judgement coming through in the quote that spurned this discussion and I'd have to say that I agree with you. There is no right or wrong answer. Blogs are the scrapbooks of our time and many of the differences of opinion about online privacy have more to do with generational differences than anything else. No, I probably wouldn't be blogging about the same things if I was raising biological children, but that's kind of the point! The internet has allowed connections and discussions that I would never be lucky enough to have at my neighbourhood coffee shop. And, like any relationship, the conversation has to go both ways or it just won't work. I won't be quitting blogging any time soon!
i too, have enjoyed reading about your family. and wanna know the first time i thought maybe blogging about our struggles wasn't a great idea? the day i read your post about how samry read your blog. it really made me think. when and if my daughter ever reads my blog (which at some point i'm sure she will) will she be okay with what i share? it's one thing to tell embarrassing stories about my boys and have them say "oh, mom....you put that on your blog??!!", but what line do i cross every time i talk about my attachment issues? i even stated on a couple of my blog posts that i will share as long as i can help more adoptive families. wrong reason, kendra....wrong reason. who should i try to help? protect? there are other ways to help than sharing my child's story...our story in public. can you tell i've been struggling too? i don't want to stop blogging, but right now THIS is my life...and most of the time it ain't pretty folks. i read the "after-the-airport" post and felt soooo much better about myself and how things were going. then someone pointed out to me how damaging that post could be to a teenage child who struggles with their identity to begin with. i get it now. i have surely made a conscience decision to be more careful about what i post. i have had help from several adoptive moms thru emails, where it's private. this has gotten me wayyy further in healing than publicly posting my feelings and trials. i think it's really good to think hard about whether it's the best thing for my child in the long run. in fact, when i actually DO post a personal message again on my blog, this may be perfect. :0) thank you for your honesty and open-ness. i'm sure your heart will tell you what is okay. i hope you can continue to blog about your family so i can still keep up on you. :0)
I, too, have been struggling with this and haven't posted anything on my blog in a while for the same reasons.
Last month, when my 2-year-old daughter accidentally peed in her bed (mind you, she had only been potty-trained for a week) she put her face in the pillow, cried and said, "don't tell anybody!" And with that, I second-guessed the whole thing. I'm in the same boat as you....mulling this one over for too many reasons too complicated to name.
yes, yes, and yes.
However, I think as my kids get older they will find as much value as I do in the "family" we've created in the bigger blog world. My kids would've never had the opportunity to be best friends with some of the people they have if it weren't for my blogs and the blogs I read.
I get what you (and the other blogger) are saying. But for me, mine is part scrapbook, part lots of things. For now anyway, I'm keepin' it. ;)
I do no blog, I never post real names on groups and my child's story is not mine to tell. However the support is important, so maybe yuo could do it with no real names and no pics. One day ther friends will read your blog and your children may not want to share their past/ story and maybe be discrimainated or bullied bacause of it. Putting kids out there as persons is unethical , talking about stuff is nesessary.
Amanda, you said "I find the writing cathartic and stress-relieving." In addition to periodically being a creative outlet in my hectic life, that is why I blog, too - although like many APs I began blogging as way to share the adoption process with family and friends.
The writer on the big Ethiopia list asked, "If your child was biological, would you be blogging?" Yes. I blog about all of my children.
You asked yourself if you are sharing too much of Samry's inner angst that isn't yours to share. That is a much tougher question, maybe one that none of us knows the answer to. I have wanted, wanted, wanted to write about one of my children's extreme struggles with anxiety for many reasons: writing is therapeutic for me; maybe someone reading my post can support me; maybe someone reading my post will be helped by what I have learned through this terribly consuming struggle.
I have not written about it. But you see, my child is older, and not only does she read our blog but some of her friends do, too. This is the same reason why I might touch on the teenage challenges we experience, but mostly if I am writing about how challenging a kid is, it's the three-year-old. I've ended up using my blog primarily to record humorous little events in our lives.
It's a hard call. I do think your blog is unique in that you communicate the struggles and triumphs your family experiences with such raw honesty and emotion that the reader gains a small understanding of attachment challenges like Samry's (and yours). Although you write about tough times, your blog makes me empathize and love Samry, not feel negative about her at all, ever. It's amazing that you can do that. Your love for her and your examination of your own mind come through clearly.
Anyway - sorry for the long response. It's a great post and very good food for thought for all of us who blog.
I am also a parent of two HIV+ older children and have chosen not to blog. I support being open about HIV, but have always felt uncomfortable with people who talk publicly about their child's HIV status BEFORE the child even comes home to them. I spend a good deal of time volunteering for local HIV/AIDS service organizations so that I can fight the stigma without putting my children on the front lines. I appreciate your post, and your honesty, and hope that others will stop and think too.
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