Some thanks, a few thoughts and more to come

First, so glad to hear I am not alone in my struggle to find a balance. Sometimes just knowing I'm not the only one on the tightrope is a good feeling!

I've been thinking more about what I wrote in the last post, what the person on the "big board" wrote to give me pause and some of your comments. I think the answer will always be a moving target. What is okay now may not be as my children get older and perhaps at some point I will even shut the blog down. But, I really DO want to be a voice for "reality". I really do want to educate others about HIV and help to remove stigma and fear. I really do want to create a journal for my children. I really do want to support other families with attachment challenges and occasionally I like to climb on a soapbox!

So, this weekend I talked with Samry. I explained to her that I had a blog and what I wrote about. I gave her a few examples and offered to show it to her. I took a good 5-10 minutes explaining what I write, why I write it, what I will never write (specific behaviors) and the general "stuff" I talked about in my last post (all watered down so an 8 year old could understand - albeit a ridiculously smart 8 year old). I followed it all up with asking her if I could continue to write about her, about us, about her HIV. I told her even if she was okay with it now, she could change her mind later and I would stop. I told her if it really bothered her I would delete the blog.

Her response: "Mom, I really don't care. It's no big deal to me. Really, I think it's just fine." Then asked if we could talk about something more interesting - you know, like fairies and could I just please tell her if they are real or not. Ummm, okay.

I know I talk about Teshe and Joshua on the blog too, but Teshe already knows that and he loves seeing the pictures of himself on the blog. Joshua is too young to be consulted, but as he gets older that will change.

That doesn't mean there won't be changes to the blog. I may try to go back and remove my children's names, or change them for a nickname. I may delete old posts that I think shared too much. I haven't decided and I guess for now, that's okay.

As for anyone still reading this thing. To you, I want to make a commitment to be true to who I am and who my family is. No unicorns and rainbows, unless they are real. No made-up drama either, unless that is real too. My blog cannot really help anyone unless it's real.