Hana

I have been sitting at this keyboard for twenty minutes trying to find the right words. In a situation like this, there are none. But I have to say something. To be silent on this is wrong, I can feel it in my blood. And so, the words that come after this will be sorely lacking. They can never convey the complex feelings I have in an accurate way. The words may fall short, but I hope my intentions are clear.

A few months ago I found out about a girl who died. Hana. A girl who was adopted from Ethiopia. A girl who was adopted from the same orphanage as Samry and my brothers. She was adopted by a family in Washington state along with a younger boy. At the time her death seemed "suspicious" and there were some serious concerns about the adoptive family. There was an investigation. This past week murder and child abuse charges were brought against her parents.

At the bottom of this article is the Probable Cause report from the Detective. It includes interviews with all children (6 biological and 1 surviving adopted) as well as other witnesses, who were friends of the family.

What was done to this girl was nothing short of systematic, intentional torture. This is not discipline or post-adoption depression or overwhelmed but well-intentioned parents. This is torture. Since reading the report, I keep picturing her in my mind, freezing out in her backyard, terrified, lonely, starving, alone, naked.

I belong to the private forum for AAI (Adoption Advocates International) the adoption agency that facilitated Hana's adoption. There have been many posts about this, most horrified and outraged, a few trying to encourage others not to "fan the flames" and even a small minority suggesting the parents may not be the monsters most are painting them to be - suggesting that Hana could have been a very difficult child.

I find myself firmly in the camp of characterizing her parents as monsters. I don't care what kind of child Hana was (and by all evidence provided she was a normal child), no one deserves to be treated that way. She was a child who died at the hands of her parents, at the hands of her mother.

There has been talk about what could have been done to prevent this. How did it go so terribly wrong? I've been in the adoption world for a few years now. I have been around adoption my entire life and while I am no expert, I'm also no beginner.

I think the problem starts with "saving" a child. People can and do adopt for many reasons, but the ones who scare me the most are the ones who are "saving" a child. They have slogans like "love one" or "save one" or "147 million minus 1". Adopting seems to be analogous to a girl scout badge. Of course, God and religion enters: "God has called us to adopt". Or "we see adoption as our ministry". Right, well after you get that badge or that jewel in your crown in heaven, an actual child with actual traumas will be living in your house and calling you mom or calling you the worst thing that ever happened to them. They may love you or they may smear their poop on your walls.

This isn't a joke and these children are highly fragile, priceless human beings. If you don't desperately want to be a parent, a REAL parent to these children, go find some other "cause". I don't pretend to understand God completely, but I feel confident that he isn't in the business of patronizing orphans, which is exactly what "saving" a child is all about. Adoptive families are great, but they are not some knight on a white horse. I am highly uncomfortable with any analogy that puts myself in the role of Savior, quoting Bible verses to showcase my Savior-like qualities. Believe me when I say that my children have saved me more times than I could ever "save" them.

I believe the adoption process is flawed. I have personally never heard of a family being turned down by a social worker. The social worker should not be a rubber stamper to approve any family that comes their way. I think more families need to be turned down. I think families should not be allowed to adopt two unrelated children at the same time. Does it work out some of the time? Yep. Are there are also countless stories of it being a terrible idea? Yep. Good ones cannot outweigh the bad.

I do not believe that people should be allowed to adopt special needs children unless they have gone through an even more rigorous home study. Today it seems the opposite, rules are more laxed for families adopting special needs. Agencies claim this is because special needs children are harder to place. I bet Hana would have been willing to wait an extra year or two to have parents that actually loved her. Putting children in the wrong families is not better than keeping children in institutions. They are both bad.

I also believe the process needs to be changed after the child comes home. Every country I know that does international adoption requires post-placement reports at least yearly. But, most countries allow them to come from the parents after the first year. This should be changed. I would happily pay each year for the social worker to come to my house and see my children. I think it should also include a Doctor's note. I think a little inconvenience for me is a small price to pay to keep children safe. If we have nothing to hide, why wouldn't we want this?

I could rant all day about the flawed elements of adoption (ask Matthew - sometimes I do). There is a young girl, a child who was murdered by her parents. There is a little boy was a victimized and traumatized in ways that break my heart. Nothing said or done now is going to change that.

My brothers remember Hana. They said she was their friend. They said she liked to read and was quiet. They said when the other kids were playing wild soccer games in the courtyard, she would be sitting quietly on the side, reading a book. She was shy, they said, and nice. They said she was nice.